Letters to Zoe

Met with the doc today for your "one month exam" (ok, a bit early; it's only three weeks) and about your baby heartburn.

Yup, you picked up one of my more unfortunate traits: heartburn. Sorry about that. Eventually, I'll be able to teach you how to deal with it. Right now, unfortunately, all we can do is try to make sure we burp you well (there's a fine line between a good, strong burping, and child abuse), sit you up a bit when you sleep, and hold you in specific positions. Here's to hoping we can do all this well enough to let you sleep...

...speaking of sleep, the doc told us one other thing: We no longer have to wake you up every 3 hours at night to feed you. Oh, thank $diety for that. Seriously. You don't know how happy this makes me. The past couple nights, your diaper/feed/burp/heartburn/sooth/go-to-sleep process has been taking about 2 (give or take 30 minutes) of the 3 hours for any given schedule, not getting you or us much sleep. When the 3 hour mark comes around, you've usually been sleeping for about an hour, and could probably sleep for at least another hour or two. It pains me to have to wake you up just to do it all over again. Its obviously taking its toll on you, and more obviously (only because we can express our grumpiness in less abiguous terms, ie: English) Momma and me. But, now we don't have to. This does not guarantee me more sleep, but at least it no longer guarantees that I _WON'T_ get more sleep. For this, I am very happy.

Thoughts: Transitioning from "Yound adult" to "Parent"
When I was growing up, I was the kid, and my parents were the parents. There was no concept of them being anything other than parents. That's what they had been since the beginning of time. Well, at least since the beginning of _MY_ time. I try to think about what they were like before they became parents, before they met each other, and got married, etc. What was Grandad like in high school, or college, for example? It's hard for me to think about that. I have no concept of what they were like as young adults. But, I know exactly what it was like for _ME_: I was there.

I suspect it'll be similar for you. You probably view me as a parent, and nothing else. You don't view me as a high school student, or as a college student, or as a single adult, going out on dates, living with your mother before you were born (9 years!), being a young adult, doing the things that young adults do. I'm just Poppa. Or Dad. Or, more probable, "Daaaaad!"

This is a transition that will take a bit of getting used to. By the time you read this, I suspect I'll already have settled into my new role as father. But, I'll admit, I'm not there yet.

The three of us (you, me and Momma) took a nap this afternoon. We put you in the bouncy chair to keep you elevated a bit, which seemed to work well for awhile. You eventually got a little fussy and wanted to be held, so I put you on my chest, which I'm not supposed to do for fear of rolling over on top of you, but hey. Momma spent some time on her side, a first since the C-section. All three of us got about an hour or two of sleep, which was fantastic.

Dangit! I thought of another couple lines for BabyGirl earlier today, but wasn't anywhere I could write them down, and now I've forgotten. :(

I thought you'd get a kick of this: http://www.inktank.com/images/AT/cartoons/12-30-02.gif

Nursing:
Wow. This morning, I thought Mom was about to lose it.. No, scratch that, she _DID_ lose it. Pumping is getting old. Really old. But, you're currently too small to put directly onto the breast with much success...

...at least, that's what we thought. We met with Olga the Lactation Consultant totay. She helped Mom figure out how to put you to brest successfully, and you actually took 40ml today! That's about 2/3 of a feeding. This is such fantastic news. :)

We tried again at home for the next feeding, but you were a bit too hungry, and therefore not quite patient enough. You're still new at this, so super hungry is not a good way to start a session. We ended up bottle feeding you. But, you latched for a bit and got a bit of milk, so that's a good start. Right now, you're sleeping, so Mom is pumping to make sure her suply stays up. I'll try to encourage her to nurse you directly tonight and tomorrow.

This is important to us. Ask Dr. Google about the benefits of natural breast milk over formula (short version: They are many). Granted, we could keep pumping and bottle feeding, but that is a LOT of work that is not very feasible when I go back to work, which happens next week. So we really want to get you onto the breast by next Monday to make things easier.

Tattoo:
I came up with the tattoo design I want to use for your band. It's a Z stylized into a Celtic Knot-ish thing. Hopefully, by the time you read this, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about already. I have a bit more work to do on the wedding ring design before its ready to be turned into a tattoo, but once I have both ready to go, I'm going to go get them. For the sake of pete, your NANA was the first one to get a tattoo in our family. Then, aunt Jennie got the next one. Granddad, Kathy and I are the only hold-outs at this point. I think Kathy can be counted on to _NEVER_ get one, and Granddad is too old to care at this point, so I'm all that's left. :)

Showing you off:
We saw Kathy Tuck, the Doula that helped Momma and me through the delivery. She really did keep our sanity. It was good to see her today and to show you off to her. We also stopped by Momma's office and the office of my old company (True Credit; I still have a lot of friends there, and I spent the entire 2 years _TRYING_ to get pregnant working there, and talking to certain people there about it.) Everyone agrees: You're really cute. :)

I love you, baby girl. Time to change your diaper and feed you, then go to bed.

...you'd be "Wee Angel, Shreiking Eel"

Right now, you're a wee angel, asleep in my arms, after a meal straght from "the tap" as it were. you were still hungry, so momma finished it off with a dessert from the bottle, but you are making great progress.

we've been doing a big no-no and are letting you sleep in our bed, between our pillows. the fear is that we'll accidentally roll over onto you. so far, you and i have gotten awfully cozy, but no limbs have snapped yet, so that's good. mom claims there are these "bumper" things available to keep you isolated from us. i'm picturing a rectangle of "funoodles," but it's probably more than that. we'll see about getting you a bumper set to protect your wee angel limbs.

...and, as if to demonstrate the point, you have just become shreiking eel... gotta go. i love you!

your cord came off just now! w00! this means, among other things, that we can give you a bath, which is a good thing 'cuz, hoo doggy, you smell...

...next thing you know, you'll be piercing it behind our backs! well, let me asure you; i don't have a problem with it, as long as i know what's going on. that'll be a general theme in your life: assuming its not something egregiously stupid, as long as i know where you'll be and roughly what you'll be doing, and with whom, you'll get a pretty long leash. communication is key to liberation. remember that.

i love you, baby girl!

So, uh... I layed you down on your back just a bit ago, and you're on your side now. I didn't put you on your side. Did you roll over onto your side on your own? You're 3 bloody weeks old, and still a few days before your _DUE_DATE_. You're not supposed to be able to roll over already. I fear for your mobility...

I love you!

you are the most beautiful thing i've ever seen...

We stuck you in a sling for the first time today, and _DAMN_, that thing rules. I can cary you around, snuggling you close to my chest where you get my warmth and can hear my heart beat, and I still have both hands free! I can eat! I can cook! I can do chores!

But, more importantly, I can PLAY WoW! Yes, that's right, I have both hands free to use the computer, which means I can continue to play World Of Warcraft while "watching the baby." This rules my world. :)

As always, and more with each passing day, nay SECOND, I love you, baby girl.

This is the first "letter" from me. I asked Daddy to set it up so I could add letters too and it turned out he already had done so.

Daddy & I bumbled through giving you your first bath last night... Well, I bathed you and Daddy took pictures. He did dry you off and get you diapered and dressed at least. You really are a beautiful little creature but you *hate* being naked. I'm hoping that this will change with respect to bath time, as I've seen how much fun Jayden has in the bath.

We also had our first night nursing at 1am this morning. Daddy was fast asleep and it was well-earned, as he was the one who tried to calm you in the evening when you were screaming for an hour or so. We try so hard to figure out what is wrong. It breaks our hearts to not be able to figure out what you're trying to tell us, especially when you are crying inconsolably. Anyway, back to the nursing. While you didn't latch perfectly (I've got the sore nipples to show for it), you drank with gusto from both sides once you did get a latch. It wasn't quite enough so I woke Daddy to finish up by giving you a bottle while I pumped. I was hoping that by nursing you instead of just bottlefeeding you would fall back to sleep easier. That didn't really happen but Daddy did let me go back to bed when I was finished pumping.

You made your first trip to farmer's market yesterday, as we made plans to meet up with Rozanne & Will from our childbirth class. Their baby is due January 11th, one day after you were due. Daddy put you in the sling (another first for the day) and we walked you around to my usual farmers to show you off. It was a beautiful sunny "winter" day.

It is time for me to put away the milk I just pumped for you and try to sneak back to bed for a while before the day gets going. I just wanted to write a bit down before it all gets lost in the jumble of thoughts that currently occupy my mind. I love you, baby girl. You really are the most beautiful thing in the world.

In prep for tomorrow when I go back to work, I diappeared into my office, shut the door, and didn't come out for a few hours, leaving Mom to deal with you on her own. This way, if the fit hit the shan (as it were), I'd be right there to help, but hopefully she wouldn't need it. She didn't, so that's good. I came out when it was (past) time for lunch, and am back now getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. I've got over 5000 emails to filter through; most of them can just be filed or deleted, but that takes time, so I'm doing it now. That way, my 4 hours in the office tomorrow can be spent actually doing something.

You keep growing. It's amazing. You've finally got pudgy little baby limbs. Your hands are filling out and don't look quite so small anymore. You've finally got a butt. Your stomach doesn't look so rediculously huge compared to the rest of you anymore. It's all good. You're aproaching the look of a full term baby, which is good because you'll be full term in a few days. :)

Back to email. I love you, baby-girl.

sorry it's beeen a while since my last post. i went back to work this week, so haven't had a lot of time.

i think you're finally getting to sleep now. you've been awake for 3 hours now, and i want to go to bed, but can't until you're asleep. you've been doing your typical "sleep for two minutes, fuss for 30 seconds, repete." so i can nev er tell when you're actually asleep, or if you're going to wake up screaming again in a few minutes.

although, i've got farts to wake the dogs, so maybe i don't want to go to bed for fear of suffocating you and momma... :)

speaking of momma, you've been nursing so well, i'm so proud of you two. this is fantastic news. i know that pumping is one of momma's least favorite things in the world, so being able to nurse directly is good. it also means that she gets mommy hormones generated when she feeds you that don't get generated the same when she pumps. not to mention, if momma can feed you directly, i don't always have to be there for feedings, like at 2am. :) it's good all the way around.

yes, this is another one handed post. sorry 'bout that.

i love you, baby girl. still. :)

you made your 'net debut today. jordy and owen did their first show of "3 guys, 12 songs" without me today. jordy's wife, anna, was the guest dj.

you and i showed up for a while at the beginning. i was hoping that you would wake up and say something, but you stayed asleep for the whole time.

now, after nursing for something like 45 minutes from an already exhausted momma, you're doing your nightly fussing thing. i'm just waiting for you to go to sleep for real so i can too.

i love you, baby girl... you really are the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. especially when you're not screaming in my ear. :-)

see, you're probably faking it. last night when you were quiet for this long, i put you down to bed and you immediately woke up. will you do the same this time? lets find out...

You've spent the better part of the last 24 hours wailing in pain because of gas. We just talked to the local laction goddess and she gave us a few pointers that we haven't already been trying.

Namely, when momma nurses you, she feeds a bit from one breast, then switches to the other, then back again, etc. The problem with doing this is that you're getting all fore milk and no hind milk. The hind milk is where the enzimes are that help you digest the sugars in the fore milk.

So, in the interest of equally draining momma's boobs, we've removed your ability to digest what you're eating. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that.

The solution: When you feed from momma, we stick you on one boob and keep you there until you empty it completely. Then, the next feeding, you go to the other boob and empty it completely. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...speaking of which, time to nurse....

My god, Socrates is _HEAVY_. I used to be used to lifting him. Now, that I've been lifting you so much, when I have to pick him up, he's so HEAVY! He's about 25lbs, compared to your 7lbs, 5 oz.

BTW: Did I mention that you're 7lb 5oz? You were 6lb 10oz on Monday, 6 days ago. That's 11oz in 6 days. That's awfully quick to be growing.

I love you, baby girl. Even when you're screaming in my ear. :)

Today has been bad. Really bad. Usually, you're up at night with pains, but sleep through the day. You were up pretty much all day with gas pains. Momma is at wits end trying to figure out what is going on, and more imporantly, what to do about it.

I think I posted earlier about talking with an expert who suggested only nursing you on one boob at a feeding to make sure you get the hind milk and not just fore milk. Well, that seems to be working. You slept through most of last night and have been sleeping through most of today. We've also been giving you gas meds; I'm not sure which it is that's helping you, but I'm keeping up with both for awhile.

Wow. Even through all this, we still love you more than anything else, and that's saying something! :)

So, uh, yeah. You scream a lot. After a feeding, it's not uncommon for you to scream for about 2 hours. Not straight through; you'll sleep, or be quiet and happy, for about a minute, maybe as many as 3. Then you'll start screaming bloody murder, fart, scream for a few more seconds because, well, that's what you were doing before, realize that the gas pain has gone away, then fall back asleep. In a couple minutes, the gas pain comes back and you do it all again.

This typically happens between the hours of 9pm and 3am. Ya know, right when Mom and I are trying to sleep.

Well, we think we've recently found the solution(s). The things we're doing that seem to have helped:
- Mom only feeds you on one boob at a time to make sure you get both fore milk and hind milk.

- We've been giving you some meds: Mylacon, some herbal colic tablets, and gripe water.

- We keep you somewhat vertical while you sleep. Unfortunately, you don't like laying down by yourself yet. You have to lay on one of us, unless you're already in a deep sleep when we lay you down. This means that one of us needs to sleep at an incline with you on our chest. This means either the couch, the chair in your room, or in bed, but sleeping on this foam wedge thing we got from our chiropractor. It also means that whoever has you has to sleep on their backs and can't roll over onto their side. Neither of us has rolled over in their sleep with you on our chests (yet), so to the best of our knowledge, you don't have any brain damage. But it's only a matter of time. :)

- (This is the hard one) Mom is giving up foods for you. The big one that she just started a few days ago: Dairy. Your mother is a Milk Hound. She drinks as much milk as I do (which is a lot). So giving up Milk is not an easy feat. Even if she didn't drink as much milk as I do, it's hard to find products that don't contain _ANY_ milk; it sneaks in there a lot of the time when you least expect it. We've been trying things like rice milk, almond milk, goat's milk, etc. So far nothing has been a silver bullet, but they should be better in baked goods (for example). In support of mom, and to remove temptations from the house, I'm also avoiding milk products whenever possible. Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

Everyone keeps telling us that colic lasts about 3 months, then babys grow out of it. Of course, every baby is different, but that's the number we hear most often. You're 5.5 weeks old right now, so we've got about 7 or 8 weeks to go if that's the case. Golly, it sure will be nice to be able to sleep again. :)

At least while I'm on the couch with you, I get to watch movies. We just picked up the four James Bond box sets, so we're plowing through those now. :)

Anyway. For now, I'm off to play WoW: Burning Crusade for the first time. I've got you strapped to my chest in the sling. Luckily for me, you seem to be ok with it right now. Sometimes, you're not so ok. Oh, as luck would have it, just as I type that, you started wiggling around, which is usually a precurser to waking up. Well, it is about time for a feeding. We'll see how this goes.

You are still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love you so much, Zoe. I can't wait for you to grow up so I can tell you that and you'll know what I'm saying.

Last night was a bit rough, but not horrible. Just after I posted that things were getting better, you screamed until 2am last night. But, you then fell asleep until 3am, your next feeding. Mom, the saint that she is, took you after that. She managed to bring you to bed and sleep on the wedge until I about 8am; she fed you, then dumped you in my sleeping arms and had a morning, something she hasn't had in over 5 weeks.

When she dumped you in my arms, I layed you on the head of my body pillow and layed on my side snuggling you. Like this, we slept for another 3 hours. It was fantastic. Primarily because we've found another way that you'll sleep with us that allows us to sleep on our side.

Anyway. After all of us got up, fed you, got dressed, etc, we walked to Farmer's Market, then to Branch Street Deli and had lunch. The walk was really nice, and lunch was good. Then, after lunch, we decided to walk the long way home and go down to the end of Branch toward Bridge St, via Lightning Joe's and Ira's. I'm glad we did because we randomly ran into a couple that Mom met on her way to Kathy Tuck's Mom's group a few weeks ago. They recognized us and stopped us. I got to meet them. They're really nice people. Liz and Paul, and their son Grant. They were just leaving the hostpital with Grant when Mom first met them, so he's only a couple weeks younger than you. They're really nice people and would make for good play buddies. Unfortunately, none of us had anything to write with so we don't have their contact info. But we agreed to meet back at Farmer's Market next weekend. :)

We also introduced you to Ira. He coo'ed over you, like everyone does. We talked about bike seats. Looks like we've got a number of affordable options for when you're old enough, which should be this summer. The timing is going to work out nicely. Hopefully, we'll be able to stick to our plan of riding more often. Mom is losing a lot of weight (which was a limiting factor before), and we can all use the exercise. Until then, we'll go on as many walks as we can.

*content sigh*

Every day, you make a new face, or you grow some new defining characteristic, or some how become more beautiful than you were the day before. I'm not sure how you do it, but you do. It's really quite amazing. I am so thankful that you're happy and healthy. How did we get so lucky? Right now, you're sleeping in the sling on my chest listening to Mostly Classical with me. I couldn't possibly be happier. :)

I love you more than anything else in the world. You are, and always will be, my most beautiful Baby Zoe Girl.

Hoo Doggy, SOMEONE does NOT like to take a bath. I'll give you a hint: It's not Momma, me, or any of the pets.

Don't worry; we got the incriminating pics during the last bath; we'll have material to embarass you when you start dating. :)

Love you, baby girl. Even when you're naked, wet and screaming bloody murder.

...but this time, I can't blame you. You slept like a bag of bricks last night, but for some reason, I could _NOT_ fall asleep. After mom nursed you at 2am, I went back to the couch with you at about 3am. You were kinda fussy, but you calmed down by 3:30. I could _NOT_ fall asleep after that. I just sat there with you on my chest awake all morning until you woke up at 6:30 to be fed again. I have no idea why.

Now, it's 9:15pm and I'm headed to bed before Mom, which is unusual. I hope this doesn't back-fire on us.

I love you, baby girl.